Fanfiction: A Rock and a Home

Neither of them could say whose idea it was to add extra dates to the end of their world tour –but they both agreed that it was a terrible one.

Unfortunately, they were already two stops into the whirlwind mini tour.

Just two stops in, and all the reasons they should have cut and run were making themselves known.

“Hey, Josh, do you have an extra…”

Tyler froze. The door he’d just burst through without thinking swung back and whacked him on the ass.

Oof.

It wasn’t the door’s impact that knocked the air from Tyler’s lungs.

It was the sight of his bandmate’s naked chest. Or, more precisely, the bead of water running down one well-defined pec…

Josh, who’d spun at the interruption, shaking droplets free from his wet hair, blushed.

“I… uh…” Heat climbed up the other man’s neck as he looked around for his discarded towel.

Tyler’s tongue darted out to lick his lips. It wasn’t what he wanted to lick – that caught on Josh’s nipple before falling to land on his belly. Forcing his gaze up before the droplet could travel any lower, Tyler watched Josh quickly rub a damp towel against his dripping hair.

“Just got out of the shower,” the drummer supplied unnecessarily.

The other man’s habit of walking around half-naked and soaking wet after a shower was one of the reasons Tyler had insisted they stop sharing digs on tour. It drove him crazy.

In more ways than one.

An awkward silence stretched between them. Josh let the towel fall around his shoulders.

Tyler fought to keep his eyes on Josh’s towel-dried curls rather than letting them wander down to see if the errant droplet had made it to the other man’s belly button.

Josh cleared his throat.

“You, uh… wanted something?”

Something… or someone?

I have to start knocking…

“Uh…” what was it he needed again? It had seemed a lot more important a few minutes ago…

“I need…” his cheeks burned.

Tyler knew exactly what he needed. And what he couldn’t have.

His brain (half-fried as it was) screamed at him to fill the silence with a lie. Any lie. Just say something. Anything.

Anything but the truth.

Which was what the rest of his body was begging him to just. Freaking. Do. Already.

Just spit it out. Throw it out there and see what the light of day would make of it, that thing they’d been trying to pretend wasn’t there.

Josh let out an annoyed sigh. Grabbing an end of the towel, he jerked it from around his neck and launched it across the small room.

“Just spit it out, Joseph,” he barked, planting his hands on his hips. His words were full of frustration, but his eyes screamed a challenge.

Tyler’s jaw worked soundlessly. The hastily constructed lie he needed to tell and the truth he yearned to tell collided in his throat, locked in battle. They claimed his voice as a prisoner of war.  

“Or get out,” Josh added in a tired voice when Tyler continued to stare dumbly at him. The fire in his eyes died. “I’ve gotta get ready. We’re on in, what, an hour?”

The lie and the truth dropped their weapons. Tyler cleared the battlefield with a nervous cough. The combatants sank together to the pit of his stomach where they bristled at the truce, making Tyler’s stomach clench painfully.

Or maybe that was just the disappointment clawing its way up from his gut to squat heavily in his chest?

“It’s… uh…” he floundered. “It’s not important, I guess.”

He turned to leave before Josh could call his bluff.

“See you out there,” he said to the door, unwilling to risk facing Josh again. Then, he made his escape.

It wasn’t until Tyler was back in his own dressing room, berating himself in the mirror, that he noticed the empty pot of stage paint and remembered what had taken him to the other man’s room in the first place.

“Idiot!” he said, shaking his head at his reflection.

Coward, his reflection shot back.

Tyler switched off the lights that surrounded the mirror so he didn’t have to face himself, then went to find a roadie who’d run to CVS for him.

***

With Tommy not long born and a Dun in the oven, an extended… break seemed logical following the end of their US tour. The fans called it a “hiatus,” but Tyler couldn’t bring himself to repeat the word.

Hiatus meant a little break.

It meant they would be back. Sooner or later.

But he and Josh…

They…

The last leg of the tour had been a distant, icy thing. If asked, Josh would shrug and say he had a lot on his mind, with the baby on the way and all. And, if asked, Tyler would…

Well, anyone who even thought of asking Tyler about the weird energy between him and the drummer found themselves at the end of an unwavering glare. That was usually enough to answer any unasked questions.

Then, in what felt like no time at all to their heartbroken fans (but an eternity to the men who’d made avoiding each other a second job,) it was all over.

All over.

Maybe for good.

Because, of course, they couldn’t keep dancing around each other like this.

And what was the other option?

Tyler thought of the way Josh’s chest heaved as he waited for the one answer Tyler couldn’t give.

What do you want?

To go back fifteen years and slap his younger self silly? To tell himself that, no, they weren’t normal feelings to have for your best friend? That, yes, that lingering hug did mean something? That, no, it wasn’t just a bromance?

It wasn’t just anything.

And, fifteen years ago, he might’ve been able to do something about it.

If he hadn’t been such a stupid kid. Too dumb to see the million chances he was blowing.

What are you now?

Tyler rubbed a weary hand across his face. The rasp of stubble against flesh made him wonder how long he’d been locked away in his studio, supposedly working on new music.

Hiding.

Tyler let his hand fall. It landed on the deck he’d been sitting at for… God knew how long. The motion bumped several controls, but it didn’t matter. Not like he’d added a single note to the file open on the screen.

Yeah, hiding.

Hiding from the woman he’d made promises to but never thought of in the darkest moments of the night. From the children they’d made because if they loved those children enough, they could pretend there wasn’t any love lost between them.

Hiding from… the truth.

From love?

Tyler let out a strangled howl of frustration. He shoved himself forcefully away from the deck, heedless of the many controls under his hands. He was at the door before the system, cycling through a series of commands, landed on one it could complete.

“Okay, Josh. Let’s have it.”

Hand on the knob, Tyler froze when Josh’s voice filled the small room.

“I dunno, man. I’m not a singer. What am I even doing here? I’m gonna sound like a foghorn next to Tyler.”

He remembered that day…

Tyler remembered trying to look To Busy To Be Bothered as he snuck secret glances through the glass window into the booth where Josh was recording his first vocals for a track. Well, where he was supposed to be recording. The drummer had done nothing but offer up excuses for why he shouldn’t be singing on the album at all.

“No one wants to hear me sing,” Josh insisted grumpily. Hands shoved into his pockets, he stubbornly angled his body away from the microphone.

“I do.”

Tyler spoke before he thought about doing it. Unbidden, but one hundred percent true, the words tumbled out. Slowly, Tyler raised his head up to peer through the window. Reluctantly, he met Josh’s startled gaze.

The other man’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. Once. Twice. His tongue – always driving Tyler crazy when he playfully wagged it at fans – darted out to run along his bottom lip.

“You… you do?” Before Tyler could answer, Josh frowned. “Why?”

Damn Josh Dun and his non-existent self-confidence! Damn his adorable fucking doubt.

Damn him for making Tyler say it out loud.

Because I love the sound of your voice. Because what I really want to hear is you moan, but singing will have to do.

Well… he wouldn’t say all of it out loud…

Cheeks flaming, Tyler busily punched a few keys on the board in front of him. (A little harder than he needed to.)

He lifted one shoulder in what he hoped looked like a nonchalant shrug.

“You’ve got a nice voice,” he said – and immediately wished he hadn’t.

Nice? Tyler berated himself. Nice?! What was he, a twelve-year-old girl?

Tyler was reluctant to look up. To see the other man’s reaction. Embarrassment beat at him as silence filled the studio until, finally, Tyler was forced to lift his eyes to Josh’s face.

The drummer wore a bemused grin. Tyler’s face grew even hotter. It was almost like Josh had heard everything Tyler hadn’t said.

That was it, the moment everything got… real.

The moment he knew it was more than a hopeless crush.

The moment he knew Josh felt the same way.

Josh’s grin fell into an “o” of surprised realization as their eyes met. Held. And, in that moment, Tyler saw the raw need, the hunger, the agonizing impossibility he saw every time he looked in the mirror.

In Josh’s eyes.

For a single, perfect moment, Tyler was complete. This is how it’s supposed to be, his heart thrilled. Fifteen years of secrets and lies fell away.

The audio tech both men had forgotten about cleared his throat nervously, bringing reality crashing down around them.

Tyler watched it happen in slow-motion. Watched Josh’s awed smile disappear behind lips pressed into a hard line. Watched the light of dawning wonder dim in a single, resigned blink.

Watched everything he’d ever wanted – which, for one moment, was so, so close – die behind fifteen years of carefully crafted friendship.

Josh’s shoulders slumped when, fighting to keep the tears from his eyes, Tyler nodded once. It was an acknowledgement. An understanding.

A goodbye.

Josh looked away. He stepped up to the mic, released a long, shuddering sigh, and sang without further prompting.

Tears filled Tyler’s eyes at the sorrowful sound filled the booth. He turned his back on Josh and the plaintive words he sang.

“That’s it,” he croaked without meeting the tech’s eye. “Use that one.”

Then, he ran away before Josh could leave the booth.

Tyler had been running since that moment. Running from Josh. From his feelings. From the brief, wonderful glimpse of what could have been.

Could have been, he reminded himself. Not could be. It was too late to choose another lane. They had wives. Children. Families.

Josh finished singing. The track fell silent.

“Uh…” Josh’s uncertain voice broke the silence. “What now?”

The question haunted Tyler as he reached out to switch the recording off. He hadn’t known their conversation had been recorded.

Tyler knew he should delete the file. It wasn’t incriminating, exactly. Jen probably wouldn’t think anything out of the ordinary if she heard it. Just another chat between two bandmates.

But Tyler knew.

Knew what it was.

What it had almost been.

What it wasn’t – and never could be.

So why couldn’t he bring himself to delete the file?

What now?

Now. Now was the damn problem. If they’d only known then, where would they be now?

What about when now becomes then?

The thought hit Tyler like a sledgehammer as he stepped into the hallway. The force of it was so great he had to grab the doorframe for support.

Where would they be in another fifteen years? Living this close and pretending that was close enough? Waking up next to the wrong person every day? Reminiscing about the time they used to be rock stars, before the band fell apart for reasons not even the most ardent Clikkies could discover?

No.

Tyler couldn’t imagine that miserable future. His entire body rejected it so soundly that his stomach rolled and he broke into a sweat.

But taking the other road… choosing happiness for himself… could he face that?

Yes.

There was none of the inner struggle Tyler expected to feel, only resigned acceptance and fearful hope.

All those things he thought he was protecting by hiding his true feelings seemed insignificant when faced with the alternative. Tyler knew, without a doubt in his heart, he could survive a future without Jenna.

But not without Josh.

It didn’t even feel like a decision. One minute, he was leaning against the wall, reeling. The next, he was on the street, striding purposefully toward the Duns’.

Tyler’s certainty faltered in the seconds between his knock and the door opening. Then, Josh was there in his usual tank top and shorts with a surprised look on his face and Tyler lost his wits completely.

God, he’d missed Josh. It had been no time, really – and, somehow, an eternity too.

“Hey, man,” Josh said, looking more than a little flustered himself. “What’s up?”

I love you. I’ve always loved you and I will love you until the end of time. Please choose me.

He hadn’t thought about what to say once he’d gotten there. The only thing that had mattered to Tyler was getting there, seeing Josh, being with Josh. Now that he was there, all the words he could say, should say, tripped over themselves, tangling around Tyler’s useless tongue.

“Hey,” he floundered. “I… uh… wanted to ask if you wanted to… uh…”

Why was it so hard to say what he wanted?!

“I thought maybe we could…”

Tyler felt his face grow hot. He called himself seven kinds of a fool and prayed for the ground to open up and swallow him, saving him from his humiliation.

It didn’t oblige.

He blurted the first thing that came to mind.

“Do you wanna go on tour?”

Idiot.

Josh raised an eyebrow. The corner of his lips twitched.

“A… tour?”

Tyler didn’t think he’d ever been so embarrassed in his life.

“Yeah, uh… a tour. With me?”

If Tyler had thought deciding to chase his dream was difficult, it was nothing compared to actually asking for it.

“Who else would I tour with, Ty?” Josh asked in an amused voice as he casually cocked a hip against the doorframe.

Tyler shifted from one foot to the other.

Complete and utter idiot.

“Yeah, I mean…”

“Yes,” Josh interrupted.

Hope rushed up around Tyler.

“Yes?”

Josh smiled and Tyler’s heart forgot to beat.

“Yes, I want to go on tour,” Josh said. “With you.”

Something about his smile made Tyler think the other man understood what he was really asking. Buoyed by hope, Tyler opened his mouth…

…only to be interrupted by the wail of a baby from inside the house.

Hope deserted Tyler. He crashed. Hard.

Josh stepped away from the door. Pulling it shut behind him, he cut off Felix’s cries.

Tyler couldn’t meet his gaze.

“I’m such an idiot,” Tyler said. He shook his head, unable to keep the disappointment from his voice. “Of course you wanna go back on the road, with a baby in the house and all. You must be desperate for a little peace and quiet…”

Because he was staring awkwardly at his feet, Tyler didn’t realize Josh had moved until the other man closed a hand around his wrist.

“Dammit, Ty,” Josh said. “The only ‘peace’ I’ve ever wanted was a piece of this.”

Reaching around to grip Tyler’s ass, Josh hauled him close, pressing himself firmly against Tyler’s groin.

Tyler’s mouth dropped open in surprise at the sudden (but not unwelcome) contact. Josh took advantage of the opportunity, seizing Tyler’s lips in a hungry kiss that left them both reeling.

When they eventually broke apart to catch their breaths, Tyler rested his forehead against Josh’s. His chest heaved and he could feel the other man’s hot breath on his lips. It was…

Everything he’d always dreamed it would be.

Joy made him giddy.

“Big tour,” he giggled breathlessly. “Long tour.”

Josh slid his fingers into Tyler’s short locks and tilted his head back until their heated gazes met.

“Tyler Joseph,” he said breathlessly, “as long as you’re there, I don’t care if I ever go home again.”

Tyler traced the other man’s bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. He smiled at the shiver that ran through Josh at the touch.

“I’m already home,” he told Josh. Then, he kissed him again. And again.

Fifteen years was a lot of time to make up for.